I’ve owned this website for a couple of months now. I have invested hours, dollars, and energy into its creation, determined to present the world with something both astounding and uniquely ME. I worked tirelessly on the aesthetic, on the brand, on the ideas that I want to bring to life…
for about a week.
After that one week of passion-fueled adrenaline and determination, the raging fire of my brainchild dimmed first to a faint flame, and over time to a low burning ember, threatening to extinguish eternally with each new gust of the winds of my self doubt.
Some of you may ask why. Why would I let such passion dwindle like that? What got in the way? Well, to be quite plain, I got in the way.
I have always been a person who dwells amongst extremes. If I do something, I do it all the way. I am either the best at what I do, or I don’t do it at all. As you might imagine, this mindset has prevented me from taking action on a great many thoughts and desires. Fear and self doubt have had such a crushing grip on my mind that, more often than not, I find myself in a state of paralysis; crippled in fear, frozen by the idea that what I will do or be or create will be inferior to someone, anyone, everyone. This aversion to being anything but the best has often held me back from being anything at all.
So, what changed?
I’ve spent the last couple of months in a perpetual state of “preparing.” Much of my time is spent making lists- lists of things to study to project myself to the top of the proverbial blogging game; lists of resources for studying those things; lists of books and podcasts and websites and documentaries that will inspire self growth and call me to action; lists of necessary steps to take and when, of milestones to achieve and when, of goals to accomplish and when. My life has been an endless blur of lists and charts, diagrams and calendars, all written in colored pens in an attempt to trick myself into an optimistic and motivated mindset. And here is what I, the queen of over-planning, have learned from this experience:
Things do not ever go as planned.
For me- the master of black and white living- making plans and failing to see them through to a “T” is a way of keeping myself from the really scary stuff- the “pouring-out-your-soul-for-
Well, many Mondays have come and gone without action. So here I am, on a Thursday night at 12:54am, composing my very first blog post. This turn of events was precipitated by two things:
I have been growing impatient and anxious within myself. I have been quickly approaching that breaking point at which doing nothing hurts worse than doing something and failing at it. For the last few days I have been focusing on my negative thoughts, trying to restructure them and introduce some authentic optimism into my life. Today, in the holiest of temples for deep thought (the shower, obviously), I caught myself asking for some kind of sign. Who I was asking? I don’t know. God? The universe? Maybe I was just asking myself. Or maybe I was asking all three. It wasn’t a conscious thought at first, but as it manifested, I felt the emotional hold that it took within me. My fire wasn’t burning yet, but it so desperately wanted to, and it was anxiously awaiting something to ignite its dormant flames.
My ignition came only a few hours later, in the form of a simple Facebook comment made by a friend whom I haven’t spoken with in quite some time. She told me that I should start a blog to chronicle the happenings of my life. “What a coincidence,” I thought, feeling a mixture of apprehension, anticipation, and excitement, “I already have a blog!”
I guess a more accurate thought would have been, “I have a place where a blog should be.” I have a wordless blog.
Wait! I had a wordless blog!
So here they are. The first words of what may unfold to be the story of my life, my mind, my endeavors, my triumphs, and my failures. It may become something wonderful and powerful, something I’ll be proud to share with the world in my name. Or, it may not. What this blog will be, I do not know. All I know is that it is time to stop planning. It is time to start doing. I have so many words scratching behind my fingertips that my whole body trembles at night when I try to sleep. It is time those words found their home.
For those of you who have read this far, I humbly thank and welcome you. I am so sincerely grateful for the time you have taken to witness this piece of my soul I’ve bared for you today. It isn’t much, but it is a start, and it is me. Authentically.
Now, it is time. The adventure begins.