Where do I begin?
Honestly, I feel so full of purpose in this moment that I feel silly wasting time on devising an enticing introduction to this post. For that transgression, I hope you will forgive me.
Yodic pleas aside, I do want to express my hope that you will read this post with an open mind. I feel so powerfully that this message is an important one that I am taking on the responsibility- and vulnerability- of sharing it in my own words.
The words you are about to read have been immediately translated onto this blog from my “Morning Pages” journal. In fact, the ink on the pages is barely dried. Although these journals are intended to be personal, I’ve become a person that is all about proving to myself that things are how you choose them to be, and I am choosing to share this transcribed part of my soul with you all, because I feel in my soul that it is worth it.
These words were not intended to be shared or shown, and as such, they might not flow like a typical blog post. In the spirit of honoring the stream of consciousness process, I have chosen to leave the entry essentially in tact, which may mean that there are some grammatical errors or run-on thoughts. However, I think the authenticity of that rawness lends itself to the message that ended up revealing itself through my pen and paper. They are completely unedited, uncensored, and unfiltered (although at times, I may add in a bracketed word or two for clarity’s sake]. They were channeled directly from my soul, literally without a singe conscious thought.
Quickly, before I begin, allow me to disclaim that I in no way, shape, or form intend to pass negative judgment upon any person or type of people. This journal entry was a personal process of disempowering internalized falsities and inauthentic schemas and ways of viewing the world that have limited me up until this point. I do hope that my intentions convey genuinely through my writing, but if not, I do encourage you to start a conversation with me about anything you might find challenging.
With all that in mind, it is with the utmost humanity that I humbly invite you to take a step inside of my mind. I do hope that you are able to connect with this post on some level or grow from it in some way. After all, amazing things happen when we open our minds to the vast expanse of perspectives!
4th September, 2018.
Today had a bit of a challenging start, but I tried a couple of new strategies. Firstly, I paid attention. I listened to what I’m feeling. I also noticed that I felt really uncomfortable and foreign in that negative state, and I wanted to get through it. Notice how I used the word “through.” I wanted to process it, let it go, and move on from it. I had no intention of simply ignoring it or trying to push it down. I also wanted to let go of it, which I feel like is huge progress for me. I never wanted to admit it to myself, but I definitely used to cling to my anger and annoyance. I don’t think I wanted to feel upset, as some people suggest. Looking back on it now, it feels more like fear to me. Fear that whatever pain was hidden beneath the anger would surface and I’d be out of control.
I also think I didn’t really understand that feeling better- like for real, was even a possibility. It’s so crazy to realize how long I went not truly knowing how positivity felt. I think I almost felt a disdain for positivity and positive people. I judged them to be out of touch with reality, or permanently altered by drug abuse. I always associated that with stoner/hippie type people, which I associated with low ambition, [low] success, [low] intelligence, and instability. But honestly, I don’t think any of those associations belonged to me. I can’t locate any personal feeling, memory, or experience that supports the belief that happiness and positivity [are] equated with aloofness, no ambition, or [no] intelligence.
How can I be surprised that it took me so long to access this feeling with beliefs like that? Everyone has always told me how intelligent I was and am. I also know in myself that I’m intelligent. In my schema, intelligence equated with pessimism (or “realism,” as I called it), boredom with life, and being bound by rules. Intelligent people get things done, never take risks, and never raise eyebrows. In my mind universe, the creative people were the positive ones. And I did not honestly think of myself as creative until very recently.
I don’t ever remember thinking of myself as creative, except for maybe when I was writing, or even feeling creative for that matter. And I don’t ever remember being told by anyone that I was creative. All of my praise was centered on how smart I [was] and how I [did] great work. So, naturally, that’s how I learned to define myself, negative associations and all. I even went so far as to devalue creativity. I associated it with positivity, which in my schema of course meant no ambition or intelligence. Of course! How could I see my creativity when, by my own definition and inauthentic learned self concept, I was literally the opposite of creative?
It all makes so much sense now. Creativity, for me, was limited to the fine arts. I had no concept of what it would be like to integrate creativity into my education, my career, and everyday life. I am SO thankful that I’ve been able to release that. I genuinely feel like I’ve been set free, like I have limitless possibilities, because I honestly do. Through creativity, I genuinely have unlimited options at any given moment. That is the most empowering feeling in the world.
I’m just now realizing how deeply disempowered I have been. I think that on a fundamental level, I’ve always known my true potential, but I was disconnected from the true belief that I could actually do something with it. I believed (and still believe) in everyone else’s ability to accomplish anything, but I didn’t truly believe that it applied to me as well.
I wonder why? Maybe because my dreams seem so completely unrealistic and out of reach, because of my [perceived] lack of experience/connections/money/talent/beauty/uniqueness/etc.. And you know what brings all of that to light? Creativity, and a willingness to be vulnerable. And actually, I don’t think you can have one without the other. I know I have always had them within me, but I never took the time to listen, because I limited myself with the believe that “that’s not who I was.” Now, I can’t imagine being anything else, because my creative self is my true self. And the best part is, this creative lifestyle is full of color, whereas before, everything was very black and white. That’s a nice metaphor, isn’t it?
I am no longer limited to the belief that I have to be either creative or intelligent, ambitious or positive and full of joy. I’ve spent so long learning about limiting beliefs, and I never took the time to listen to my own. And you know what? I forgive myself for that. This journey has been exactly what it was meant to be and I am so grateful for it, because I know now that I truly can do anything. Seriously, I am living proof that things you think are impossible are only impossible because you believe them to be so. If we’re always occupied with being “right,” with being “certain,” we will spend all of our time and energy thinking of and defending all of the reasons why something can’t happen, [and] we ignore the only question that really matters for growth, change, and innovation- “How CAN we make this work?”
There are so many more possibilities with that approach, and honestly, it seems much more fun to me to approach things that way. I think that one of the reasons that people might resist that mindset is that people are so insecure in their egos that being correct becomes more important than progress and growth. I also think that people don’t want the responsibility of creative thinking. Being creative and finding solutions means that you then have the responsibility to actualize and materialize [those solutions], and although that might seem like a heavy burden, I think that it’s actually incredibly empowering.
By going through the creative process, we force ourselves to acknowledge what we can do with what we have available to us in the moment. Sure, it disempowers the excuses we invent to keep ourselves stuck and dormant- and we are certainly creative in that pursuit- and that can be frightening for sure, because once the excuses are gone, we are forced to face the real reasons [why] we are afraid to grow, which is absolutely terrifying at times, at least at first.
All that being said, my experience has been that unchanging my creativity has allowed me to rediscover my hope and power by allowing me to see options that I was blind to before- those options were always there of course, they just weren’t accessible to my conscious awareness while I was stuck in my fear. It really makes me wonder what would happen in the world if people learned- no, decided – to value creativity over control, to persevere with finding solutions to challenges instead of basing our own self worth on being correct and having the most factual knowledge. Isn’t our knowledge only as good as our current and limited capacities to measure [and define] the universe?
Maybe if people spent more time asking how to make the invisible visible, instead of condemning the invisible to stay where it is, this world would be a lighter place. I wonder what we would see if we only chose to look.
Well, there you have it. A little piece of my mind on your screen. Although I am utterly filled to the brim with additional thoughts on the subject, I feel that this message is best left to simmer in its authenticity, to be perceived however it is meant to by those who read it. At least for now…*wink*
I hope that these words were able to provoke your thought process a little bit, because after all, disruption of thought is the catalyst for change! And yes, you can quote me on that!
If you connected with this post at all, please leave a comment and share it with a friend who you think might be impacted by it as well. And as always, stay tuned, because there is much more to come, sooner than you might think.
Until next time, stay creative, my friends.
PS- I just posted my latest video on my YouTube channel- check out the link in my “about” page!